“America Scroll” Unearthed Beneath the Lincoln Memorial

Chapter headings and verse numbers are not original (but neither are the Bible’s).

Compare Genesis 12:1–3. Apparently, the Bible is not the only religious work commanding the hero to leave town; see the discussion of Robert Alter on type-scenes.

Notably, this was the same age Noah was when God spoke with him (Genesis 7:6), which teaches us that chosen heroes should be well on in years.

Apparently, the pilgrim story is apocryphal and borrowed the name of Washington’s boat.

Washington was being overzealous here, since a simple waterproofing of the boat’s bottom would have done. (It is not as if there were going to be another flood.) This highlights Washington’s religious nature, wishing to walk in the footsteps of his ancestor Noah (Gen 6:14).

Noah’s boat was slightly smaller, three hundred cubits by fifty cubits by thirty cubits (Gen 6:15). The larger size of Washington’s boat was likely because of his great height, especially on horseback.

The clear implication is that, in the time of the author, the Native Americans were no longer in the land. But the wars of conquest against several Native tribes were still actively taking place in Lincoln’s time. Thus, some of my colleagues—especially those enamored of the supplementary hypothesis—have suggested that this verse was added by President Grover Cleveland at the time Geronimo surrendered to General Nelson Mills in 1886, ending the Apache War. Compare Genesis 12:6 and ibn Ezra’s comments thereon.

God’s message to Washington proves the divine origin of manifest destiny as later articulated by John Louis O'Sullivan in 1845. The biblical Abraham is given the same message (Genesis 13:17), showing that, sadly, the LORD is not a big fan of natives, as a general rule.

It seems that, with the passing of years, the intense divine dislike of tower-building has abated (cf. Genesis 9:1–9).

Renaming is a common sacred motif, see, for example, Abram/Abraham (Gen 17:5), Sarai/Sarah (Gen 17:15), and Jacob/Israel (Gen 35:10).

As revealed in the exposé by Dr. Midos, George Washington’s honesty was actually the result of Shnooky Shapiro’s intervention in one of his time-travelling excursions. Listen to the whole, uncut story, in The Marvelous Midos Machine, “Episode 3: Does Anyone Have the Time?”

Considering Jonah was just as angry over a dead plant (Jonah 4:9), we can forgive Washington this outburst. Cf. Rachel’s comment in Genesis 30:1.

Notably, Abram had the same complaint (Gen 15:3).

Coins were actually invented by the Lydians in the 6^th century B.C.E.; the author must be referring to the first coins in the Americas.

Like with Er and Onan (Gen 38:7–9), God’s wrath is usually in response to sins of a “naughty” nature, and the author is almost certainly making an oblique reference to the Maria Reynolds affair.

Divine intervention is left unexplored in Lin-Manuel Miranda’s Hamilton, but I hope he can include the deity’s wrath in an updated version.

The total amount of sons here is thus one greater than the biblical sons of Israel. Nevertheless, if we count Ephraim and Manasseh, following Genesis 48:5–6, as sons in place of Jacob, the number of sons of Israel becomes equal to that of the sons of America. This is certainly no coincidence but gives us a glimpse into mystical significance of numbers.

This burial notice calls into question the tradition that George Washington is buried in Mount Vernon. Some suggest he was buried there first, but then moved to this location, thus making both sites sacred.

It is nice to see that, just as Isaac and Ishmael (Gen 25:9), and Jacob and Esau (Gen 35:29), were able to put aside their differences to bury their father, Jefferson and Lincoln were able to do so as well.

See! The cherry tree thing was real. I’m glad that’s settled.

Israel was like this as well (see Deut 32:15). God’s chosen people seem to consistently have this problem.

Previously, this curse was delivered to Cain as a consequence for murdering his brother Abel (Gen 4:12), though he went east and not south (Gen 4:16).

Jefferson’s curse is similar to the curse of Adam (Gen 3:19), with the exception that Adam got to grow wheat and produce bread, while Jefferson could only produce clothing and cigars.

A clear reference to Africa.

Like Moses at the burning bush (Exod 3:3), Lincoln seems to have had a healthy dose of natural curiosity.

The divine call often includes repeating a name (Gen 22:1 LXX; 22:11; 46:2; Exod 3:4), perhaps for dramatic effect.

You’re supposed to say this when God calls your name (Gen 22:1, 11, 31:11, 46:2, Exod 3:4; 1 Sam 3:4); it’s a thing.

That’s clear divine approval for the Emancipation Proclamation.

That’s exactly what Moses was told to say too (Exod 5:1). Some things never change. It is nice to see consistency in a deity.

It is possible that the author is conflating two different traditions here, or that the two names really once referred to the same city.

A gloss on the side of the parchment paper here reads: “Ah, but was it there when Lincoln was still alive? Those with understanding will understand.” The commentator seems to be implying that the phrase about the Henry Ford Museum must have been written after Lincoln’s lifetime, but the author wrote it opaquely so as not to offend the religious sensibilities of the readers. (Cf. Moses’s comment on Og’s bed [Deut 3:11], and ibn Ezra’s gloss.)

It would seem that the stories we heard in school about the Boston Tea Party are a garbled form of this miracle, perhaps rewritten by people of little faith, looking to have human heroes take credit for God’s work. It is notable that God here chose tea instead of blood (compare how the Egyptian slavery was handled [Exod 7:14–25]).

The connection is not entirely clear; perhaps they drank salty tea in the 18^th century? We are working on recreating the original recipe from residue analysis of a teacup found in the Lincoln Log Cabin State Historic Site.

There is a cross-out here, and in the margin, it says, “the LORD hardened his heart.”

The religious community is debating whether vegan or gluten free options would be acceptable. Also, some baseball fans prefer to substitute the final game of the World Series for the Superbowl, even though it was DVRed and not live, provided they haven’t checked the scores for the game beforehand. The same rule applies for the NBA finals, though I am sorry to say that hockey is unacceptable as a substitute, unless you are Canadian.

Wanting the enemy to know who it is that is shmeissing them (to use a technical Yiddish term) is an important literary theme. See, e.g., Exodus 8:6, 18, 9:14, 29.

Well, “tranquility” may be overstating the situation for formerly enslaved black people after 1865, given the repression of their rights after Reconstruction, the Plessy vs. Fergusson (separate but equal) decision and its aftermath, the continuous suppression of voting rights, police brutality, etc.—clearly this is a prophecy that looked forward to a future time.

It is a good custom for parents to have feathers and macaroni available during the festive meal, so the children can act out the song. It helps children stay up if they have what to look forward to. (Ask anyone with a lot of kids who runs a yearly Passover Seder.)

The text omits that they had no blood on their doorposts, but this must be assumed (see Exod 12:29–30).

The parallels between the despotic Jefferson Davis and Pharaoh are hard to miss (Exod 12:31–32), though Pharaoh seems to have been more gracious.

Similar in logic is why Jews don’t eat the sciatic nerve (see Gen 32:33), though it seems more of an inconvenience to go without filet mignon than it is to have to grow a mustache with one’s beard.

When the Sons of Israel left Egypt, they were only able to bake matzah (Exod 12:34). The Sons of American were much more industrious, which is why, from a culinary perspective, July 4^th is much nicer than Passover.

An important contribution to the debate over whether Andrew Jackson should be on the $20 bill.

Clearly the LORD loves this trick (see Exod 14:15–23).

Davis should have read his Bible (Exod 14:26–28), and then he wouldn’t have fallen for this trick.

Tubman’s original composition has been lost until now, but clearly pieces of it have been preserved in various popular songs.

Some of my Qumran colleagues believe this to be a Pesher to Ezekiel 37:15–22, implying that Abraham Lincoln himself might be the mysterious “righteous teacher.” Needless to say, this has important implications for dating the Dead Sea Scrolls.

He lived longer than Moses. Note that this age has the same numbers as Moses’ age (120) but in a different order.

This certainly puts paid to the tall tale about John Wilkes Booth shooting Lincoln in Ford’s Theatre. In hindsight, it should have been obvious that the LORD’s anointed could not have been killed by the hand of his fellow man.

The text ends the same way as the Moses story (Deut 34:10–12). It seems impossible that Honest Abe could have written that he died when he was still alive, or that this humble man could have ended the text with such grand self-praise, even if deserving. Some scholars think that the LORD simply dictated the words to Lincoln, before he died, and that Lincoln wrote them in tears; others suggest that they were written by Ulysses S. Grant, Lincoln’s protégé, who took over the presidency upon Lincoln’s death. (Andrew Johnson, supposedly the president between these two, is clearly a mythic figure, but this will have to wait for a separate treatment.) For a similar issue regarding biblical authorship, see the Talmud’s debate about whether Moses or Joshua wrote the final lines of the Torah (b. Baba Batra 15a).